Love is a drug you can’t really get over

Posted: November 16, 2012 in Personal
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve seen you so many times now. I am losing track. Your memories are getting stronger. Instead of getting hazy, they are going conspicuous. Very unusual but I’ve forgotten everything bad about you now. Love does that to you, I guess.

Yesterday I had a dream. I am not sure why. But I saw you once again. All this time, I had stopped thinking about you. You would be there, but I would overlook. I would see all those other things in my life that would bring smile to my face. I would try my best to eschew you or any of your thought that would cause a chemical imbalance in my head. But the dream happened, as if happening in a parallel universe in reality. It being a different universe altogether, I am not sure I remember much. But I do remember one thing for sure. It was you.

Here’s what I dreamt: (an excerpt from my personal diary of dreams, Yeah! not real)

I was busy chatting with my friends and having fun, when out of the blue she appeared from mist and stood next to me. Just like Mal in Inception, she appeared like a strong memory. I can still remember her face woeful with miserable written all over it. Strange but I’ve always pictured her that way. I’ve never had a dream wherein I’ve seen her smiling or even happy. She looked really sad. She pointed, “You forgot me na!” and with a pang in my heart I realized within seconds that it was true. For a couple of months I haven’t had a single thought of her. Not a single dream about her. I had finally surmounted my heart until, of course, now. How did she find her way to me? I thought, “I had really forgotten her for a while.” I felt this sudden urge, a strange urge to apologize to her and to set things right again. She started to wither then. Like dreams are meant to be. Unpredictable. I tried calling her. She picked up but she was still adamant, like she was six years ago, in that coffee place. She kept on giving assertions, “You’ve forgotten me. Yes! You have!” I was speechless, once again, choking. I kept saying to her, “Listen to me. Listen to me at least!” and the phone died.

I woke up. I tried to forget what I saw. I carried out my routine, just like any other jaded day. It was only in the afternoon when I saw you once again, your picture on the famous social networking site. Smiling in one of them. Weary in another. The weary one got me strangely attracted. I got this sudden urge to pick you up in my arms, you cuddling towards safety finding your way in my bosom and me saying, “My baby! Come here and get some sleep.”

I couldn’t help but click on your pictures. Something I barred my heart from doing all these years, because I know my heart is weak. It succumbs to you every now and then. I went through all of them. My mind would, meanwhile, talk to me sanely like, “Why are you doing this?” and my heart would confront it, “I don’t care. I am just so human!” My hands were involuntary. They kept on flipping every page. I let go those tears I was never fond of keeping.

Life is a tragedy. No matter how happy you are. I always thought of myself as a happy guy. But these thoughts of you, make me feel otherwise. I get a feeling, that I would never, ever be really happy without you by my side.

You are like a drug to me and I am addicted. Yet you or not dead and I am not really alive.

  1. nidhi prasad says:

    wooo,,,, really osum …… u r the best no one can match u….. i loved it….. ❤

  2. Awesome man.. I hv always been a great fan of your writing skill.. Keep Rocking dude.

  3. youdontwanttoknow says:

    Its crazy how small things drift two people apart.. slowly but steadily. You start thinking that he/she has hurt me, betrayed me.. you love him but still you decide to break up.. you cant think or see anything else.. but as time passes everything wither except love in its eternity. I wish you have a future with that girl.. and this time the phone is not dead..

    • Scott says:

      Thank you for the kind words. I must tell you, this was written way before. I have moved on now. Guess this is how it is supposed to be. Life is all about moving on. I did try to contact her once though, because of restless nights and grieving dreams, probably my heart seeking a closure. To my surprise, the conversation we had was akin to two strangers talking. I felt I was in a rendezvous with a robot that doesn’t feel a thing. There was so much I wanted to talk, tell her how I had been, how I had reeked of anguish, but nothing came out. Words failed me.

      She didn’t even remember how long it had been. That’s when it struck me: she had moved on whilst I lied in that same abyss I was dumped into. What was crushing was her inability to acknowledge what we had as ‘love’. I realized I had wasted my time on an insensitive being who didn’t know what she wanted. She was happy with someone and she considered talking to me a screw-up.

      When I realized how little she thought of me, I flushed out every little memory of her from my brain. Saddled up, buffed myself and started living again. We had a happy ever-after but alas she chose the ditch from where there is no return.

  4. youdontwanttoknow says:

    Good to know that you have moved on. Change is the only constant. But sometimes u have to look way past what appears to be. Not necessary that people always express what they feel.. To let go off things one end needs to be wound tight else d other end can never move on. If you consider this as someone’s stubbornness or disrespect or disloyalty towards the relationship then it is quite possible that you didn’t get the reason behind it.

    • Scott says:

      What do you want? Where were you? All these years? When I was dying everyday, weren’t you living? Weren’t you in somebody’s arms whilst I held thin air? Where were you when I would wake up every morning in tears from a dream that would nearly kill me? Didn’t you go on preferring someone else to me? Didn’t you break up with me for someone else in the first place and got rid of me to alleviate the guilt? Where did all that love go then? Did it transfer to some other guy and then other, and then to another?

      The truth is there is no love that lasts till eternity. Everything new draws you instantly and then when you have it, it withers like a jaded flower. Nothing is forever. Love is just a name we give to a hollow verve that gives you immense pleasure when it begins, but is ultimately evanescent. Helps you to have what you wish to have. Give it some time and you want a shinier pebble to play with. Does this example sound familiar?

  5. youdontwanttoknow says:

    I understand what you mean.. I agree totally with your last paragraph.. but that might have happened at the other side too…

    Waiting n waiting for the phone to ring.. to hear a few words..waking up at night thinking someone might give a ring right now and then going back to sleep after crying… and all the time just thinking WHY??
    Talking to mirror as if someone is listening and then all of a sudden just staring blankly. Questioning oneself.. losing confidence. ..Silence can drive people mad. And at the end of it..thinking there is no love…and when you reach such stage there is no turning back or another try.That’s another example.
    I am the witnesses to the terrible things that happened with you both. I am really sorry for that. Wish I can turn back time. It was not meant to work out, may be.
    The only purpose of commenting here was to say sad things do happen But its up to you to accuse other person and hold the sad part or forgive him or her n let it go. I wish when you both look back you have a smile and not a sad look. I doubt if that is possible but I do hope at some point it will.

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