Posts Tagged ‘fate’

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The Bald Guy

Probably why a lot of things stay hallowed in my head is, I guess, because my world still lingers around a lot of undone things. Unsaid words. Unaccomplished possibilities. Gargantuan morsels of hope that ended up getting swallowed by despair. Menial trivial things that could have created a memory, could never make it. Like the time she had wished to stroke my hair. The fact that it never happened left a hole in my dimension. It ended up becoming a skipped fragment that could never possibly attain fruition.

Other petty notions of our talks that could have avalanched into a nervous wreck stay disbanded in space. Broken threads they are, suffering in their own mute misery. No knots find them. They sway like torn dreams. A bazillion “could-haves”, those hidden somewhere betwixt our silent whispers, could never make it. That makes me sad. That shattering incomplete feeling is a consequence of all such figments.

I wasn’t fortunate enough to even have my day. One day! That could have flung us towards unrivalled elation. Not even a seamless graze on a cheek to test those walls of love. Not even melting away in each other’s arms. Not even a hug of tingling warmth, to say so long. Nothing to justify. Nothing to prove all those words of mettle that once echoed to and fro between the media of mundane. Words they ended up being. Spoken and forgotten. Like crude promises. They fell dead like a pang of wretch. Shot down mid-air by a bullet of fate.

We could never even make it to the finish line. All those dreams just kind of fluttered away in time. Lost. Never to be found.

I just feel all of it at once sometimes, and then sometimes never. Hard to explain. Maybe I am all alone in this dead vale. Meant to feel that way. Maybe truth deserves me more than ever, as it sneaks through to speak through from beyond, beyond the holes of my past.

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All this time I have been chasing tails, trying to fit in. This new place is filled with alien faces. I do have company of known countenances. Yet I feel, as if I have been lifted up deliberately and put into another chess board altogether. I didn’t ask for this. So why was I chosen? O wait! I just got the answer to that, fate likes to do me.

I have been taught to survive in the worst. (Pfft……as if I was in the CIA) The heat is punishing. Chennai isn’t the land for the timid. I have been summoned here for a purpose, I surmise. My life’s story was supposed to have this twist. Albeit I never saw that coming, I am still glad my life isn’t stagnant. I embrace this inevitable change, just with a frown. I know good is what ousts from everything I have ever experienced. At least I like to believe so. I think it is so far so good, since I have made it this far. I just trust the goddamn guts of my writer who knows what he is doing. (O he doesn’t have a clue, does he?)

Though dumped into this punishing city, I have managed to pull myself up. Most of the people here are friendly. The rest have kept their friendly fire on. Hindi, my mother tongue, all of a sudden, is like music to my ears. The minority from the North use it and I am glad they do. They somehow make this place a better place to live in for homesick guys like me.

Population here is dense. The way just like any other metropolitan city prefers it. But buses here remind you of a famous internet meme of a fully packed bus insinuating a WinRar file. Yep, I am talking about the Bus.rar file. Yeah it is some sight. It reassures you that you are still in India. I am not sure whether I used a sarcasm there.

Food, another entity that constantly badgers you and keeps reminding you of the fact that you need to be homesick, could be a little bit more delicious here, but is still edible considering our rapacious Northern palates. We have resorted, as of now, to some of the Northern food caterers who actually manage to succeed about 40% in satiating our Northern demands. Like I said, so far so good.

Places of attraction here bum us out as the city is vast. And by vast I mean ‘holy-crap-on-the-crackers’ large. We become victims to slumber as soon as we start our sojourn. We keep regretting our decision even when we are about to reach our destination. Sometimes we wonder if we could make it back alive. It is only when we return that we decide to postpone all our future ventures till we own a better mode of making our commute. This has happened numerous times now. Yet we never learn.

The heat would simply blow your mind away. It just simply gives you in the ass. No doubts in that department. No wonder everyone calls the city one of the hottest in the country. It is however a little delightful when it is raining. But I haven’t seen proper cats and dogs falling from the skies yet.

Whatever the city might have in store for me, or fate, for that to matter, I just know I am going to nail it. I have a bigger life in preparation. I cannot whine for the smaller trivial stories. I am prepared. I have donned my armor as well as that formidable smile that scare children. (Yeah they totally pee their pants!)

The fact would always stare back at you fate. Yeah you listening there bud? I will be prepared for the worst and be ready for the best. I will always be my hero in this life and in every other lives to come. I will see you at the other end. Bring it on life!

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I write pain. Does that mean, I am a sad soul?

Life is a tragedy. I have said it so many times, that tragedy knows me now. If I stop thinking about it, it doesn’t become less justified. The fact remains. The truth stands.

Today, I listened to a story so tragic I wish I didn’t have the power to empathize. I listened to death. Believe me – His voice is shaky, dark, dreadful and unforgiving.

Two people. Mad in love. One is taken. In a poof. One survives. While death, void of emotions, watched her weep.

I see the survivor every day. Her face talks death. I know those smiles are fake. I know that ecstasy is compelled through prolonged weariness. I know the happiness on the face of my survivor has nothing to do with this mundane earth. Yet my survivor is always there, making the world happy, making the world a better place to live in and making amends to this pointless life.

Have you ever witnessed an accident? Have you ever been a part of it? She witnessed an accident so tragic it makes my heart weep. I can’t imagine the horror she had to go through. Walls of the car painted red. Limbs cut. What not.

She watched ‘him’ go. In seconds. Poof! Just like that. He was there with her a minute ago laughing and having fun. She was having the time of her life with her to-be-soulmate. But fate had other plans for her. I have never really liked fate. That dumb old bastard! I have never really liked death as well. He screws life.

I have observed. Her face always wears a smile. She hides her emotions so well! People get duped all the time. But now I know. Now her eyes tell a different story to me. She is scared of this world. She is scared of accidents. She is scared of death. Yet she is brave like a lion. Funny like a clown. Lovely like a rose though living like a zombie. There is tragedy, right there. Sitting silently in the corner, her eyes full of tears.

I don’t know how I would have taken it. I whine at a mere heart-break. She just watched him leave this world. My angst feels so trivial now. She watched him leave her alone, involuntarily. He wished to stay. They were meant to be together. They could have had a great life. This happy-ending leaflet was simply plucked out. At least, I found out what happened to my relationship. She never even got the chance.

Death is a tragedy. So is living, after you have seen death.

I picture the hurt. I empathize for people. I make it mine. I will write for them. If they have words, I know how to put them on a paper. If they wish to be heard, I will listen. If possible I might alleviate them. If not then I will cry with them.

Yes! I am a sad soul. I am an emotional wreck. I feel for the suffering out there. Gazillions of dusky souls with their zillions of problems. I wish to write, if not to them, then for them.