Posts Tagged ‘job’

The Perpendicular Universe unfinished

Been a while, I haven’t penned anything on these leaves. I have been lost in the humdrum of the mundane. A job that sucks me in, and eats away my precious hours. Takes me away from the world of writing. But these special leaflets are always there. In the backdrop of my head. Silently calling me. Making me feel the void. Trying to make its presence felt. Then life manages to put me in front of the screen somehow, as if the croons of this blog get heard.

I wish to press these leaves with only the best. Maybe that’s what takes a lot of time. To only fill the easel with quality work. My brother had asked me to keep it as a wont, when I am in the right zone. To him it is one of my best collections hitherto, a magnum opus weaved with a keen wisdom. I intend to keep it that way. It lets me unspool myself, the real me, into validation. An introspection of sorts that might reflect the real me to a reader if there is one at all.

Today, I am squeezed into work so much that this blog stays hidden from me. I distribute myself to others, so much that I forget my own identity. But this right here, this, lets me appreciate myself. When I take a step back to look at it, I realize it is nothing but my mirror. It lets me behold the real me. It lets me fathom myself more. Words smeared on these blanks tell me that I am different. It lets me dig deeper into a head of a writer, a poet who is insanely in love with words, with a brain uplifted and a head that reeks of beautiful and sentient thoughts.

What is unfortunate is the fact that he barely has time to cover ‘em all. There is so much beauty yet to read, so many wonderful people yet to encounter, so many experiences yet to experience, so much land yet to cover, so much love yet to shower, so many unknown faces yet to scan, so many enthralling creations yet to marvel at, and there are so many gorgeous thoughts in his skull still embryonic, veiled, that can only unfurl with time. It’s a shame that it’s running out.

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Before and After Vantage of time

Seems everything is running, everything fleeting away. Like I am trying to hold sand in my palms and it just keeps slipping out. Time, you are running out! There is so much I wish to do, but you just don’t care. Your moments are dying every second. You are bringing me to my grave.

For the past two years my life has been on a roller coaster and I just can’t slow down or relax for a while. Ever since my job swallowed me, I have been stuck in its guts and it’s a horrendous torture that just doesn’t stop. I can’t figure out what I am doing. I can’t tell where my efforts disappear. I just know I have to go to a place, kill hours of time, and return again to a hollow room back to my jaded life. The little time that clings in a day then dies with the chores. So horrible a living! I cannot tell my purpose. I cannot understand the reason behind my path. Just stuck like a morsel in an ever ending chew. I just know eventually I would be spit out tattered, insipid and lifeless.

Seems I have forgotten the touch of nature. As a kid I would stand for hours with open arms to feel the wind in my hair, its soft subtle touch on my skin. I would exclaim in utter rapture, “Look brother! How awesome the weather is!” I remember the little whirlwinds that nature made for my leisure. How with squinted eyes I would try to look into the dust and filth, and at the torn plastic bags that danced with the dust devil! I remember how for hours I would look into the sky at every bird that drifted, every cloud that crawled slowly like a soul that knew its destination, at the vast blue and the stars that would begin to show at dusk. How I would point, “That one’s the brightest! That must be Sirius! Where’s my star? The North one?” How at night with unblinking eyes I would stare at the darkness drenched with tiny white motes and wonder if I saw a shooting star. Search one that did not twinkle and brand it a planet without a telescope. Look for UFOs in the sky and argue for hours what we saw wasn’t a satellite.

How I would spend hours looking at the swarm that fought battles of survival for food near anthills. How then would I wonder how come these creatures don’t have eyes? I remember looking closely at every little act of cows, dogs and cats and wonder what they must be thinking? How little they could do? So unfair! As if inadvertently adjusted or succumbed forcefully to mankind’s lifestyle. Look at trees that disappeared into the sky and wonder what it would be like to be up there? Gawk at the moon for hours at night and wonder if there was a lady in pain waiting to be rescued.

Every moment of living drenched with a fantasy in my head. There wasn’t a jaded moment in my life. Dragons and dinosaurs battled with me for survival of the fittest. And I would be the fittest. I often miss the soft touch of grass beneath my palms as I would place myself in its innate bliss as if there was no tomorrow. I believed there were miracles and that one day something would hit me and make me Superman. I thought staring at Sun for hours would make me powerful. I would believe what cinema manifested. I believed I was a protagonist in the story of this world.

My livelihood someone else’s responsibility. I was carefree. Without rules to bind me or slow me down. I used to run. Run a lot. Into the fields of magic. Gasp with a breath so exhilarating that told me I achieved something in that momentary run. That I had a purpose: to cross the finish line.

I miss the taste of life I lived when I didn’t know anything about growing up. Now I have grown up. I am dead. I miss the lively time I had with the nature. Now I look at the sky only to see if there are clouds of rain. And rain with disgust because of all the swamp it makes. Look at barking dogs with eyes of rebuff. If I try to stare at the night sky, stars no longer show up. They have been slain by the city lights. A plain sight is just a plain sight. Dragons no longer battle and dinosaurs have disappeared once and for all just like my figments have. Ants don’t exist in our world. Mosquitoes do. Filth, dust and plastic bags don’t deserve a squinted eye. They just need a bin. The wind no longer whirls. In squalls I don’t go out. The sun and the moon are just inevitable patches in the sky that always go unnoticed. “You are just burning in jealousy sun!” Night just has a cold heart. What surrounds me isn’t nature. What surrounds me is human agony. What surrounds me is pain. I reek of suffering, malice, hatred, wrath, stress and squabbles.

Such little time a day offers that just wither with meaningless talks. Then again a new day begins with 24 pointless hours that are silently aware of their imminent death.

I wish I could get away from all of this. To quit. So that I could be with nature once again. Carefree. Without rules. Witness the living every hour. Away from human commotion. Away from societal intervention. Into a life without judgment, and run. Run like I used to. With a visible finishing line!

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I ended up working late in the office yesterday. Actually, it was planned. With a consensus between me and my project lead, it was decided that I would pump in some extra hours in order to complete a pending job. Yeah, work I did. But I didn’t foresee that I would be all alone.

It was the first time I was all by myself in the office and that too after the sunset. I worked till 8 PM, additional 2 hours, from my usual time of leaving. The peon had switched off the lights, those not required, and so the rest of the cubicles went pitch dark. I hardly cared as I was busy with my work. I had constantly been glaring at the screen, which was unrelenting too. My orbs would hurt. I was feeling the way I used to, when I would sometimes succumb to insomnia. I badly needed a shuteye. I would occasionally get up from my seat, and peek from the window, down at the traffic. The hustle and bustle below kept me company the whole time.

Whenever I would come back to my seat and engage myself in useful work, I would hear the ticking of the clock, occasional honks of the cars below, din of a drilling machine coming from the building next to ours and sometimes loud shrill of something, which my mind would always confuse with heavy breathing. It was spooky. I know it is hard to work in such an environment. It was eerie. Yet there was nothing that really bothered me as such. I guess, time has made me brave, unconcerned and intelligent.

Yet in the back of my mind, all those scenes from the flick ‘The Grudge‘ kept visiting my head. Yeah, remember that office bit? I would occasionally turn around to check the plant which stood in the dark, that had a bizarre resemblance to a human being, when looked from a particular angle. I would tilt my chair occasionally to have a good look at the door in order to eschew any out of the blue surprises. Even if someone tried to play a prank at such an hour, it was still not good for the heart, so I thought.

Amongst all that non-existent commotion, I worked my way through, without getting consciously alarmed of anything mentioned above, and groped for the switch in the dark to turn off the remaining lights.

At this point, I remembered, how as a kid I used to be strangely conscious of everything around me. I would startle at every movement or noise. I wouldn’t go to sleep for hours, wondering if a monster would come up from under my bed and devour me. I would endeavor my best to avoid watching horror shows on TV, so as to shun any formidable memories later at night. There used to be a spot at my balcony, where I would always study unaffected and unaware of my surroundings on a regular basis. I believed it helped me to understand things better, with the view and all. Until one day I saw a horror show on TV. From that point onwards, I wouldn’t even go to my balcony, wondering, “What if a hand comes from behind and grabs me?”

I am glad now sense has slipped in. I ‘now’ desire for miracles. I want them to happen. So that I behold the unusual.

I don’t understand if fear is good or bad. The only thing I get is that, it is there. It has always been there. It is real. Just in different forms, in all of those eras we lived. We have simply named them. Human minds are built this way. We can’t help being apprehensive. We can’t help being afraid of the extraordinary.

We would always be afraid. Sometimes for a reason, sometimes without one. It is one of the harsh truths of life, which I surmise, keeps us in check, all the time.

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We tend to ‘ponder’ when we are alone. When we are in company, we revel. We live in the moment, for the moment and barely keep track of our thoughts. We are just human beings incapable of multitasking. Oh! we do multitask, but our results vary. We don’t always succeed when we do two or more things simultaneously. If you do, you are a superhuman. Embrace yourself. Give yourself a hug. Just a hug. Stop touching yourself!

Once a great man advised me not to put my legs in two boats and oar. Frankly, I don’t remember him. But I do remember his quotes, precisely because I ended up falling in the water so many times after that, that I have lost track now. Life taught me the lesson which I dreaded. I never followed his advice in reality, and whenever I overlooked, I ended up all wet. I became a Jack of all. Whoa! that sounded weird.

Multitasking doesn’t pay you well. The concept hardly fails in computing. But in real life, our mind is good at focusing one thing at a time. I just made this up while penning this down:

Whilst I stared at you to paint,

My brush worn off.

Whilst I took out another,

You were gone!

We can’t really concentrate on two jobs simultaneously, can we? No, not defined in our dictionary. When I say that, I hope you are not picturing something as petty as whistling and writing at the same time. The truth is, if you give your 100% to a job, nothing can stop it from falling into your favor-bag. Think about all those debacles you encountered in your sojourn! Now ask yourself – did you really give your 100% in all of them? No? Told ya. If yes, then you surely are a pretty fu*d up creature.

Some are built for it (weirdos), some are really up for it (brave? my ass!), some take it one at a time, like a normal person, piling up their work and getting smothered eventually, while some don’t do anything at all. Yeah I am talking to you, you reader!

Try everything at least once!

Posted: October 23, 2012 in Life
Tags: , , , , ,

Hi everyone,

I happen to be a prolific writer (at least I’d like to think so) and it wasn’t until I paid heed to the words of the Master of Villainy – ‘The Joker‘ from ‘The Dark Knight‘, quoting – “If you are good at something, never do it for free“, that I truly understood the real importance of my power. When I implemented the same in my real life, I began free-lancing. I did it for about 5-6 months when I discovered I am a truly magical being and that I have other talents as well. So I decided to give a shot to my real pursuit, something others might consider a curse – ‘programming’. What? Don’t you just Boo at me! No, I do have a life. Basically, I am an amateur programmer. There! that should take the heat off.

Yeah our real-life jobs suck. But here’s what I think. (I’m gonna stop you right there ‘Dwayne The Rock Johnson‘, it matters to my readers I guess.)

“How do you know beforehand that you would suck at a particular job without even giving it a shot? How do you know that a work is boring, unless you have really given your 100% and then failed at it eventually?”

I’d urge everyone not to back down from anything new, rather take every new task as a challenge and let your inner power, will and mind decide whether it is worth doing. Like that James Blunt song, I’ll take everything in this life, I would wanna try everything at least once. That way I wouldn’t miss anything good, I surmise.

Feeling inspired? No? Damn I suck!