Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

The Perpendicular Universe Dreams
From the deepest alcoves of my mind, you somehow always make it back. This time so powerful! Appearing like a memory so strong that it was hard to shake you off. Another dream like a bazillion others, I wish you would never come back. But there you were, unequivocal akin to reality.

I saw you once again. Proximal you were like a strong silhouette, and I was happy to see you. Why? I often ask why? I have never thought about you in the real-extant world? Why now? But there you were. Maybe it was a parallel dimension playing its stupid games once again. Your parents were mine. They seemed embarrassed. I was silently passing on those adorable kisses whilst talking to you. You seemed distracted pointing my head towards the matter at hand, but I wouldn’t look away. My eyes would only find you. Funny that feeling! Hard to put a name to it.

We were talking about future arrangements – where would our Jacuzzi land, and how our marriage would appear. I was least interested because you were nigh. All I saw was you! Right betwixt my seeking eyes. Kissing you, making you moan into “Stop! Someone is coming!” Weird those words, something I never came across, ever. And yet in that mist I was bold as hell. Because nothing mattered. Nothing!

Coming back to life, I wondered what I was dreaming about. Why was I dreaming about you? Again? You might as well be steps away from getting smothered into a wraith intangible. You might as well be following a soul unwavered by the beautiful past we wove together. You might as well be knee deep into life’s shittiest muck from where there is no turning back.

Still it made me ponder, still. Why? Why were you in my dreams? No one screams an answer. It is awfully quiet around here.

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The Perpendicular universe Fallen from a horse There isn’t a body around me. No one I could call mine. No one who could call me his. Seems everything is crouching away from me, cringing its claws into the hollows of self-absorption. I have seen people do that. Forget you! Like you never existed, or existed but only as a background noise.

I remember the swell times I have spent with my brother, sharp as a crystal and clear as a conscience, talking for hours without taking a breath to think. Unending ceaseless talks they were, that would beat time. We would sway into the space like a bunch of curious astronauts and explore the unexplored stars. Our imagination – our telescopes. We would throw our nets into the dark, and catch fishes made of twinkles. We didn’t need anybody to guide us. We would learn from our mistakes, learn from our words. Our lips taught us what teachers couldn’t. Hours and hours of invested time that bore only fruits!

As a kid, my mum would often instruct him to hold my hand and never let go. To take care of me always. “Because he is still very young and he doesn’t know the ways of the wicked world.” It sometimes makes me picture it like this:

I see my mum waving us farewell for a journey I am too scared to take. But I am not alone and not on my own because I have my brother to call the shots. He is on a steed and been instructed to take me with him. I am sitting behind him holding him, with my arms wrapped around his waist. I turn around with a quivered brow and tearful eyes to take one last look at my mother. She is still busy asking him to go slowly and take care of me. That I am still very young and might fall off the horse. She then looks at me and smiles, and mouths, “Hold your brother tighter!” I firm up my grip. The horse takes off and gallops its way into the blue. We enjoy the cool breeze that giggles in our hair. The journey seems everlasting and we keep galloping playing to the rhythm of the gravel.

I am holding him with a comforting heart. The fact that I am not alone on the saddle soothes me. I try to close my eyes as the steed paces harder. Then suddenly I feel myself heaving up. My hand loosening its grip. The horse jumps over a hurdle, and then resumes its journey. But…..But I have fallen. I am on the ground. I am hurt. I am in pain. I can’t open my mouth to tell him that I have been left behind. I try my best to, but I simply can’t. I just make a silent scream, more of a complaint, that my brother has forgotten about me. He is still riding the horse. Still enjoying the gust in his hair. Whilst I sit in the dust the horse made through its tracks. Covered in red and filth.

He got married. Someone dearer walked into his life, and he lost focus. Suddenly I began to wither. Suddenly I began fading away as if I was a puny mote from a cloud of dust caught up in a strong rush. Our ceaseless talks ceased. Our fire simply ran out. My cords cut. I was left to float alone in the space. I was just left stranded. As if he raced the horse too fast, and forgot all about me. Forgot that his waist carried tiny hands that held him with a promise of eternity. My eyes are still complaining: But mom said, “Take care of your brother!”

I am fallen. I am scared. I am all alone. I guess there comes a time in our lives when we are supposed to feel that way. When people juggle with their priorities and choose someone else to you. I remember the time when I would have blasts with my cronies. Now I often sit in the second seat waiting for my turn to come. I hate that feeling. However honest it might sound I am still a kid waiting to be loved. Waiting for that horse to turn, and come pick me up!

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Are we truly happy? Is that smile that signs our face an enduring one? Name a thing that you want the most in life, and you are still not fully satisfied when you get it. There is ecstasy, there is joy, but it is ephemeral. What is eternal is the longing. The desire to find something we don’t know about. All we know is we are lost without it. We don’t have answers. May be it is, what we look for.

I often find myself stuck in thousands of possible realities floating inside my head. Stories that might not ever happen. Bodies that would never possibly take shape. Realities which might probably never head towards realism. Faces that would never probably don a name. Dreams that are as good as dead. I often search for a known face in the face of a well-known. I feel obscured, estranged even in the company of friends. My vision finds a weird emptiness like I am staring at a hollow face and responding like a cursed ghost.

We all have faced this monster that devours us from within. That blank space inside where our soul hangs freely, dead. We could be really having a blast but all we feel few moments later: something ain’t right.

There are these moments like tides, not a single flow steady, only dancing to its own rhythm. One moment we are joyous, elated to have found, what we believe, true happiness, the other we find it ebbing away, leaving a sour taste on our palate. Why are emotions so fickle?

No matter how brimming our glass is, we still feel that emptiness. I like to believe it’s the void our souls have to carry and that we are in search of our soul mates throughout our lives. We have “lost soul mates”, lost in the crowd of over a bazillion souls falling down to the planet. Finding our reflection amongst these fallen angels is not an easy job. So we are bitter, and forever looking. I believe that explains the eternal emptiness we feel. That incomplete feeling as if something is still missing. Something is out there and that we have to find it.

The story of Aristophanes, in the Plato era, makes you ponder. Did we once have four arms and four legs? Were we really sewn together? Are we all just an aftermath of Zeus’ wrath?

Even though we have everything, why do we still feel halved? As if our better half is lost in that bazillion walking deads and we wouldn’t know how to be alive unless we fix ourselves. It is as if we are broken toys and our parts are strewn across different places. Unless we find every body part, every screw that completes us, we wouldn’t rest. We wouldn’t feel that ultimate satisfaction. Is that our only purpose? Finding ourselves?

We are simply looking for ourselves in different humans. It is probably why the mirror feels so appealing. It is why our thoughts fathom us so well. Our brain endeavors to complete us. When we reason with ourselves we always end up feeling victorious because after all it is us, lodged on both sides of the coin.

S.T. Coleridge points out in Letter to a Young Lady:

“To be happy in Married life…you must have a soul-mate.”

Some believe our soul mates are the ones we marry. But what if our decisions end up being wrong? Did we really end up with our soul mate then? Some might ask this at such an hour:

“If marriages were made in heaven, did God intend me to be sad?”

What is pathetic is the fact that we are forever seeking to fill our voids. We find out similarities and assume instantly, we have found it, found our soul mate. We are so bent on searching for it that we give a nod to anything that comes close to understanding us. Then we wish our search has found its closure. Then we hope our lookout can finally be destroyed. But it is only after a while, when you are knee deep in a relationship, you realize it couldn’t have been so. That you have made a mistake. Your emptiness tells you that. Your gut feeling munches on your guts then.

Some say that soul mates are mere harmonious people in our lives, people who we go along well with, and that we are in search of our twin flame or twin soul, our original base soul that we separated from. Well, there are a lot of theories but what really fascinates me is this entire concept. What if it were all true? This emptiness I feel, could be something my soul mate might be harnessing in a different part of the world. If only there was an everlasting thread that bound us somehow and that stories in our lives somehow drew us closer to each other every day, we would know our purpose is imminent.

Whatever the case may be, it feels good that we have a spiritual connection, but at the same time it feels disheartening that we would still remain perpetually incomplete.